“Till human voices wake us, and we drown.”
Are these fire shadows my reality? Is there sunlight outside these dark caverns?
It seems not too long ago that I sat in an office well endowed with plants and neutral colours, across from my psychotherapist, explaining to her my frustrations with a life that no longer surfaced challenges that took my breath away: "I wanted to accomplish, X, Y, and Z, and did so successfully. I am not experiencing failure in things that I try, and this greatly alarms me."
Little did I know that some twelve months later I would be managing the aftermath of enrolment in a full time masters program (while working), a new job, my running addiction, moving, juggling tuition and investments, and sudden bouts of sickness that seem to emerge out of nowhere. I have not yet failed any commitments, but in my heart of hearts, I know that this is a distinct possibility.
I recently listened to an excellent NPR podcast about human reaction to resource constraints: money and time are both scarce resources, and when we experience scarcity, we tend to suffer tunnel vision and become less able to consider long term effects.
So far, this seems to ring true. I spend most of my time thinking about work or school, and when I'm not struggling with occasional ailments, I run myself so hard that I can fall asleep within two seconds of hitting the pillow. I still read sometimes when I'm not too mentally drained, catching up on social debts, or doing chores. My near term worries consist of "I'm not walking the dog enough" and "Who will dog-sit for my next wedding travel obligation?". Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know there are items I should be collecting for the next quest area, but just as I have no idea what Pocket articles I have in my backlog, I couldn't name even a few. Life seems to be rushing by week after week at full speed, and its colours are merely passing me by.
If we were to use building IKEA furniture as analogy, we would not have read the entire instruction manual before picking up the hammer. This is a reflection of a desperato's recent learnings in real life constraints.
Get ready for some wrongly placed pegs and twirly locks.